I did it again...

Haha I'm such a slacker when it comes to internerd stuff these days. I never have time to be online anymore. Splainy? K.

First of all, I'm working two jobs now. It's pretty insane most of the time, but the money's excellent. I haven't been without money in almost a month now. I'll never go back to being broke! :D

I found myself a new boyfriend. This one is amazing. We've been seeing each other 4 months now, and I'm pretty sure I L-word him. Still can't say it though. haha.
I'm furious with him at the moment though. He got drunk the other night and kissed another girl. Very uncool. It hurts right now, but I will get over it. Everyone makes mistakes. I've made plenty of worse mistakes in my time. So it's forgivable. This time and this time only. If it happens again, oh my. He'll be in biiiiig trouble.

Food. Hmmm. Word to the wise, don't ever date an ex-chef. No matter how wonderful and sexy they are. They keep making you lots of tasty food and as a result they make you a fatty fatty. Well, even more of a fatty fatty. I've only gained a little weight, but it's still disgusting. I'm taking charge again. Taking control. I've spent too long trying to lost this weight. I'm not letting myself put it all back on again. Noooo way. I'm going back to 400 cal a day, exercising every evening after work, and not just every second or third evening, and I might try going back on diet pills as well. Just to give me a bit of a kick. Yeah, sounds good.

I'm in a weird mood now. Day off today! I might go for a run now.

Huzzah!

I don't believe it. I found my diary. It was in my caravan at home, at mum and dad's place. I don't even remember taking it down there. I was packing my things on monday, ready to come back to the city, and I found it sitting under a box of stuff. I couldn't believe it. The relief that I felt when I opened it up and saw all of my thinspo pictures and stuff, it was an indescribable feeling. I'm going to take much, much better care of it from now on.

Another win, I've found someone new. He's sweet and funny, has lots of piercings and tattoos, and he makes me feel so sexy when I'm around him. I'm yet to come up with a code name for him, so bear with me. More on that later. My tummy hurts. Fucking cramps. Being a woman really, really sucks. Blaaahhhh.

Good mood for the first time in a while. Wow. Feels wonderful.

Woah.

It's been quite a while. I tend to get so caught up in what's going around me that I lose track of everything. My memory sucks. I'm going to start trying to blog more often, otherwise I'll keep on forgetting everything.

Last time we spoke, I was freaking because my diary went missing. I never did find it. No one ever acted any different around me either. I don't know what happened to it, but I do have an idea. I think my friend might have taken it. She's very much into dieting and calorie counting, and is constantly calling herself fat. I don't think she's entirely eating disordered, but she's pretty close. She's the only other person who had been in my room around that time, so there's a chance it was her. Why she hasn't brought it up is beyond me. I wish she would. I just want to know.

Apart from that, so much has happened. I've been seeing a few different guys here and there. Nothing serious, just a bit of fun. Until mid-November when I somehow (I still can't work out how it happened) I got myself a boyfriend. We shall call him "Ape". I was never really into him, but he was sweet and kind so I let him stick around. Also he was a virgin, so at first there was never any pressure for sex. I'm ashamed to say I did cheat on him, with the guy I'd been seeing before him. "Wanker".

Wanker was so lovely. We fell for each other instantly, but he had so much baggage that he really wasn't interested in anything more serious than hanging out all the time and having lots of drunken sex. Then one day he decided he couldn't really see me much anymore, due to the fact that his ex had given birth to his son, so we lost contact fora while. Right around the time we started talking again, Ape and I started getting serious. Wanker was crushed, but there wasn't much I could do about it. I've barely spoken two words to him since then. He still texts me on the odd occasion, with little inside jokes and things, but other than that I have not seen him.

Ape and I broke up four days ago. I'd been planning to end things with him for a while, but my bravery was failing me. Sunday morning, after a long night of drinking and smoking with friends, I went to bed. Ape was already there. He asked me if I wanted to "have some fun", because he was horny, and being far too stoned and tired I said no and went to sleep. A few hours later, I woke up to him on top of me. I lost it completely. I was hysterical. I told him to get the fuck out and that I never wanted to see him again. That was that.

I can't sleep anymore. I'm terrified of what might happen when I wake up, so sleeping is not an option. I've been running on power naps and energy drinks for the last four days. And when my dear friend "Asia" tried to hug me yesterday, I had an anxiety attack and really freaked him out. I can't be near males anymore. I hate this feeling.

I also hate this story.

Good things have happened in the last few months as well. I had a job, although I quit because my manager was a douche. I moved out of home, and am now living in a flat with a girlfriend of mine. No more family to worry about. Plus she's never home, so I don't really have to worry about her either. I can do what I want, eat what and when ever I want. It's excellent. In that sense, I'm happy. I'll get over the sleeping/frightened of males thing. It'll take a little time. I'm going home for the weekend, so visit the only male I can be around. I miss Loserface so much. I haven't seen my best friend since New Years. He's my rock, and I really need him right now.

Pity his girlfriend is an insanely jealous freak and will never let us be in the same room without her there to watch us. haha. Girls are ridiculous.

That's all for now. I'm going for a run.

again, fuck. FUCK!!

My diary is gone. Vanished. Disappeared from my room. I can't remember the last time I saw it, where exactly it was, but it's not here anymore. I've looked everywhere, torn my room completely apart in search of it. It's just not here.

There's a chance that it's in here somewhere, that I've gone and put it somewhere really stupid and that it's safe, but I doubt it. I hate accusing my family of going through my things, but the truth is they always do. My younger sister used to steal from me all the time. Clothes, make up, jewelery, and she once stole my book of poetry and claimed my work as her own. But I've searched her room too. Still can't find it anywhere. Fuck.

I don't know what to do. I'm so close to having another (I'll get to that some other time) anxiety attack. My whole ED world is in that diary. I'm so angry at myself. I was so careless with it, leaving it lying around the way that I did. Fuck, I'm an idiot. And now someone in this house knows my secret, and they'll tell my mum and she'll be so angry and hurt and disappointed and everything will be fucked from here on out.

Then again, no one has been acting any different around me. No one in my family is a very good actor. If they knew, I'm sure I'd be able to tell. Especially if mum knew. She'd be constantly at me like she used to be, bugging me to eat more. Fuck. This is beyond fucked. I really don't know what to do.

fuck.

It's been quite a while, again. Things have just been so chaotic for me lately, I've had trouble dealing. Here's what's been happening.

(I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and I'm too lazy to change anything. Nothing's changed since then anyway.)

Two-ish months ago, I started seeing my ex girlfriend again, Immi. She lived four hours away from me, which made it hard, but we were used to not seeing each other often so somehow me managed to make the long-distance thing work. For a while.

As I'm not very good at relationships, we decided it would be a semi-open one, meaning we could each hook up with other guys if we wanted, but no girls. We both found it fair. She was still sleeping with random (and hot!) guys, and I was still sleeping with my ex, Loserface (crappy nickname, but he loves it), the guy I've loved for seven fucking long years.

About 3 weeks after she and I got together I was going back home to spend the weekend with Loserface. I went down on Friday and we had planned for him to pick me up from my place after he got off work and we'd go back to his from there. He finished work, and on the way he nearly fell asleep while driving so he decided to turn around and head home, decided he'd pick me up the next day. I was fine with that. I didn't want him to crash and die, of course.

The next morning he called me and said "we have to talk, and you're not going to like it." Turned out he went out to his local pub that night, kissed a girl, and that they were "officially seeing each other". I think my brain exploded while I tried to understand that. I still spent the weekend with him, though the tension was pretty much unbearable. He went over to her place on Sunday night for a few hours and came back with hickeys all over his neck. I wanted to scream at him until his ears bled, but I refrained. I remained nonchalant about the whole thing, even if my heart was breaking all over again.

A week after that I was back in the city, slowly coming to terms with things, when I got a call from Immi's brother who told me she had tried to kill herself. Heartbreak all over again. I was furious with her, and we didn't speak for four long weeks. I missed her like crazy, but I couldn't talk to her without being angry. So I didn't. I still checked up on her, through her brother.

After the four weeks of not talking I was back down the coast, this time visiting other friends. The few days before I went down there my sister and I had been talking shit, saying that I should show up looking gorgeous and tease the hell out of Loserface and make him realize just what he was missing out on. I didn't want to be with him at all, I just wanted to make him regret what happened with us.

So that was the plan, until I actually saw him. We were at our friend's place, having a few drinks and just hanging out, and he came and brought his new girlfriend. As soon as I saw him, I didn't want to go through with it. I found myself really not caring about the whole situation anymore, and I was so relieved. It made me realize that I was not, in fact, in love with him anymore. After seven years of heartbreak, it was the best feeling in the world.

Until later that night, Immi's brother called. She did it. She died that night. I was broken. I called out to Loserface, but he just assumed I was being a drama queen and ignored me. It was his brother who helped me back up. He looked after me, listened while I cried and screamed and hated the world. But I didn't want to ruin the night for everyone else, so I asked him not to tell anyone and went back to pretending everything was fine.

For the next few weeks I was grieving, miserable and lonely. I stayed on the coast, not really ready to be back in the city. After the shock of her death wore off I found myself feeling almost relieved again. Not that she was gone from my life, but knowing that this was what she wanted and that she could finally find some peace. I took comfort in that thought. I knew I was going to be okay.

And I am. A week and a half ago I woke with a smile. It felt strange. Surreal. I still miss her, I will always love her, but she was the one who taught me not to dwell in the past. So out of respect for her, I've moved on.

I've met someone new. It's really sudden, and I still sort of feel like I'm not ready, but I'm taking this chance anyway because I know that if I don't I'll regret it. He's very sweet, kind, funny, generous and he likes that I'm a total scatterbrain. That used to drive Loserface insane, so it's nice to find someone who appreciates me as I am. We're taking things very slowly, which he's entirely cool about. It's so strange though. I swore I was going to try to be by myself for a while, get used to being just me again, but then he comes along with all his charm and I don't want to say no. It's confusing as hell, but the good kind.

So that's me for the last two months. It's all beyond fucked up, but I'm really okay again. Things are slowly beginning to make sense. Strange.


So yeah. That's it. Pretty fucked. Sleep now.