My diary is gone. Vanished. Disappeared from my room. I can't remember the last time I saw it, where exactly it was, but it's not here anymore. I've looked everywhere, torn my room completely apart in search of it. It's just not here.
There's a chance that it's in here somewhere, that I've gone and put it somewhere really stupid and that it's safe, but I doubt it. I hate accusing my family of going through my things, but the truth is they always do. My younger sister used to steal from me all the time. Clothes, make up, jewelery, and she once stole my book of poetry and claimed my work as her own. But I've searched her room too. Still can't find it anywhere. Fuck.
I don't know what to do. I'm so close to having another (I'll get to that some other time) anxiety attack. My whole ED world is in that diary. I'm so angry at myself. I was so careless with it, leaving it lying around the way that I did. Fuck, I'm an idiot. And now someone in this house knows my secret, and they'll tell my mum and she'll be so angry and hurt and disappointed and everything will be fucked from here on out.
Then again, no one has been acting any different around me. No one in my family is a very good actor. If they knew, I'm sure I'd be able to tell. Especially if mum knew. She'd be constantly at me like she used to be, bugging me to eat more. Fuck. This is beyond fucked. I really don't know what to do.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
fuck.
It's been quite a while, again. Things have just been so chaotic for me lately, I've had trouble dealing. Here's what's been happening.
(I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and I'm too lazy to change anything. Nothing's changed since then anyway.)
Two-ish months ago, I started seeing my ex girlfriend again, Immi. She lived four hours away from me, which made it hard, but we were used to not seeing each other often so somehow me managed to make the long-distance thing work. For a while.
As I'm not very good at relationships, we decided it would be a semi-open one, meaning we could each hook up with other guys if we wanted, but no girls. We both found it fair. She was still sleeping with random (and hot!) guys, and I was still sleeping with my ex, Loserface (crappy nickname, but he loves it), the guy I've loved for seven fucking long years.
About 3 weeks after she and I got together I was going back home to spend the weekend with Loserface. I went down on Friday and we had planned for him to pick me up from my place after he got off work and we'd go back to his from there. He finished work, and on the way he nearly fell asleep while driving so he decided to turn around and head home, decided he'd pick me up the next day. I was fine with that. I didn't want him to crash and die, of course.
The next morning he called me and said "we have to talk, and you're not going to like it." Turned out he went out to his local pub that night, kissed a girl, and that they were "officially seeing each other". I think my brain exploded while I tried to understand that. I still spent the weekend with him, though the tension was pretty much unbearable. He went over to her place on Sunday night for a few hours and came back with hickeys all over his neck. I wanted to scream at him until his ears bled, but I refrained. I remained nonchalant about the whole thing, even if my heart was breaking all over again.
A week after that I was back in the city, slowly coming to terms with things, when I got a call from Immi's brother who told me she had tried to kill herself. Heartbreak all over again. I was furious with her, and we didn't speak for four long weeks. I missed her like crazy, but I couldn't talk to her without being angry. So I didn't. I still checked up on her, through her brother.
After the four weeks of not talking I was back down the coast, this time visiting other friends. The few days before I went down there my sister and I had been talking shit, saying that I should show up looking gorgeous and tease the hell out of Loserface and make him realize just what he was missing out on. I didn't want to be with him at all, I just wanted to make him regret what happened with us.
So that was the plan, until I actually saw him. We were at our friend's place, having a few drinks and just hanging out, and he came and brought his new girlfriend. As soon as I saw him, I didn't want to go through with it. I found myself really not caring about the whole situation anymore, and I was so relieved. It made me realize that I was not, in fact, in love with him anymore. After seven years of heartbreak, it was the best feeling in the world.
Until later that night, Immi's brother called. She did it. She died that night. I was broken. I called out to Loserface, but he just assumed I was being a drama queen and ignored me. It was his brother who helped me back up. He looked after me, listened while I cried and screamed and hated the world. But I didn't want to ruin the night for everyone else, so I asked him not to tell anyone and went back to pretending everything was fine.
For the next few weeks I was grieving, miserable and lonely. I stayed on the coast, not really ready to be back in the city. After the shock of her death wore off I found myself feeling almost relieved again. Not that she was gone from my life, but knowing that this was what she wanted and that she could finally find some peace. I took comfort in that thought. I knew I was going to be okay.
And I am. A week and a half ago I woke with a smile. It felt strange. Surreal. I still miss her, I will always love her, but she was the one who taught me not to dwell in the past. So out of respect for her, I've moved on.
I've met someone new. It's really sudden, and I still sort of feel like I'm not ready, but I'm taking this chance anyway because I know that if I don't I'll regret it. He's very sweet, kind, funny, generous and he likes that I'm a total scatterbrain. That used to drive Loserface insane, so it's nice to find someone who appreciates me as I am. We're taking things very slowly, which he's entirely cool about. It's so strange though. I swore I was going to try to be by myself for a while, get used to being just me again, but then he comes along with all his charm and I don't want to say no. It's confusing as hell, but the good kind.
So that's me for the last two months. It's all beyond fucked up, but I'm really okay again. Things are slowly beginning to make sense. Strange.
So yeah. That's it. Pretty fucked. Sleep now.
(I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and I'm too lazy to change anything. Nothing's changed since then anyway.)
Two-ish months ago, I started seeing my ex girlfriend again, Immi. She lived four hours away from me, which made it hard, but we were used to not seeing each other often so somehow me managed to make the long-distance thing work. For a while.
As I'm not very good at relationships, we decided it would be a semi-open one, meaning we could each hook up with other guys if we wanted, but no girls. We both found it fair. She was still sleeping with random (and hot!) guys, and I was still sleeping with my ex, Loserface (crappy nickname, but he loves it), the guy I've loved for seven fucking long years.
About 3 weeks after she and I got together I was going back home to spend the weekend with Loserface. I went down on Friday and we had planned for him to pick me up from my place after he got off work and we'd go back to his from there. He finished work, and on the way he nearly fell asleep while driving so he decided to turn around and head home, decided he'd pick me up the next day. I was fine with that. I didn't want him to crash and die, of course.
The next morning he called me and said "we have to talk, and you're not going to like it." Turned out he went out to his local pub that night, kissed a girl, and that they were "officially seeing each other". I think my brain exploded while I tried to understand that. I still spent the weekend with him, though the tension was pretty much unbearable. He went over to her place on Sunday night for a few hours and came back with hickeys all over his neck. I wanted to scream at him until his ears bled, but I refrained. I remained nonchalant about the whole thing, even if my heart was breaking all over again.
A week after that I was back in the city, slowly coming to terms with things, when I got a call from Immi's brother who told me she had tried to kill herself. Heartbreak all over again. I was furious with her, and we didn't speak for four long weeks. I missed her like crazy, but I couldn't talk to her without being angry. So I didn't. I still checked up on her, through her brother.
After the four weeks of not talking I was back down the coast, this time visiting other friends. The few days before I went down there my sister and I had been talking shit, saying that I should show up looking gorgeous and tease the hell out of Loserface and make him realize just what he was missing out on. I didn't want to be with him at all, I just wanted to make him regret what happened with us.
So that was the plan, until I actually saw him. We were at our friend's place, having a few drinks and just hanging out, and he came and brought his new girlfriend. As soon as I saw him, I didn't want to go through with it. I found myself really not caring about the whole situation anymore, and I was so relieved. It made me realize that I was not, in fact, in love with him anymore. After seven years of heartbreak, it was the best feeling in the world.
Until later that night, Immi's brother called. She did it. She died that night. I was broken. I called out to Loserface, but he just assumed I was being a drama queen and ignored me. It was his brother who helped me back up. He looked after me, listened while I cried and screamed and hated the world. But I didn't want to ruin the night for everyone else, so I asked him not to tell anyone and went back to pretending everything was fine.
For the next few weeks I was grieving, miserable and lonely. I stayed on the coast, not really ready to be back in the city. After the shock of her death wore off I found myself feeling almost relieved again. Not that she was gone from my life, but knowing that this was what she wanted and that she could finally find some peace. I took comfort in that thought. I knew I was going to be okay.
And I am. A week and a half ago I woke with a smile. It felt strange. Surreal. I still miss her, I will always love her, but she was the one who taught me not to dwell in the past. So out of respect for her, I've moved on.
I've met someone new. It's really sudden, and I still sort of feel like I'm not ready, but I'm taking this chance anyway because I know that if I don't I'll regret it. He's very sweet, kind, funny, generous and he likes that I'm a total scatterbrain. That used to drive Loserface insane, so it's nice to find someone who appreciates me as I am. We're taking things very slowly, which he's entirely cool about. It's so strange though. I swore I was going to try to be by myself for a while, get used to being just me again, but then he comes along with all his charm and I don't want to say no. It's confusing as hell, but the good kind.
So that's me for the last two months. It's all beyond fucked up, but I'm really okay again. Things are slowly beginning to make sense. Strange.
So yeah. That's it. Pretty fucked. Sleep now.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
ehhhhh
Things kinda suck. I'm still lonely, bored, miserable and I hate myself. I've lost pretty much all of my motivation for anything. Still, no job, still no friends, still fat, still crap. Bleh.
Went home for the weekend, to stay with Loserface. On Friday mum and I left early, so I was at home home during the day, Loserface was to come and pick me up after he finished work. He was one his way that evening, but called me when he was half way there and decided he was turning around, not coming to get me. Why? He was tired, and though he might fall asleep if he had to drive further. I didn't really understand his logic, but I didn't want to push him. This would be the first time we'd seen each other in a month and I didn't want to start that on an argument. So he went home, had a nap, and went out to the pub. His new friend (see last entry) was there. They hung out all night, and kissed. Ok, I can deal with that. The next morning, however, he had to go and pick up his car from town and he met up with her there to discuss what had happened. The kissed again, and decided that it was relationship time! They're together. In my opinion, a couple of kisses does not a relationship make, but what ever.
I still went over to his place for the weekend. I couldn't get the 'sexual healing' I needed from him, hell I could even cuddle him, but I still needed to be around him. Boy it was hard. We'd spent all of last week telling each other the dirty things we were going to do to each other when I finally got there, so both our 'engines' were revving like crazy, and instead we barely even looked at each other. I wanted him, he wanted me, but neither of us was willing to make the first move. Neither of us wanted him to be a cheater. Again.
I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. No, she's not thin. She's actually at least 20kg fatter than me, and in no way is she prettier than me. He likes her because she's "so cool!" but he's not attracted to her in the slightest. That is both comforting to me, and insulting. I know it won't last, because he needs to be attracted to someone for things to progress, so that's a comfort. So is knowing that he'd much rather sleep with me than her. He told me when he was dropping me off on Monday, that he has never wanted me more than he did all weekend, and that the idea of sleeping with her was kinda gross. Still, he's with her. He chose to start a relationship with her, knowing that he would be spending the weekend with me. Why am I always being put second? I don't think I'll ever be important enough to him to come first. And why would he trade in a hippo for an elephant? Hippo's are way cooler! Haha maybe it's the fact that I just referred to myself as a hippo. She doesn't seem insecure enough to think of herself as an elephant. It's kinda childish of me to do so.
Eh. I hate this. I'm so sick of dwelling on what could be. I've got to move on. But I don't waannnaaaaa!
Went home for the weekend, to stay with Loserface. On Friday mum and I left early, so I was at home home during the day, Loserface was to come and pick me up after he finished work. He was one his way that evening, but called me when he was half way there and decided he was turning around, not coming to get me. Why? He was tired, and though he might fall asleep if he had to drive further. I didn't really understand his logic, but I didn't want to push him. This would be the first time we'd seen each other in a month and I didn't want to start that on an argument. So he went home, had a nap, and went out to the pub. His new friend (see last entry) was there. They hung out all night, and kissed. Ok, I can deal with that. The next morning, however, he had to go and pick up his car from town and he met up with her there to discuss what had happened. The kissed again, and decided that it was relationship time! They're together. In my opinion, a couple of kisses does not a relationship make, but what ever.
I still went over to his place for the weekend. I couldn't get the 'sexual healing' I needed from him, hell I could even cuddle him, but I still needed to be around him. Boy it was hard. We'd spent all of last week telling each other the dirty things we were going to do to each other when I finally got there, so both our 'engines' were revving like crazy, and instead we barely even looked at each other. I wanted him, he wanted me, but neither of us was willing to make the first move. Neither of us wanted him to be a cheater. Again.
I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. No, she's not thin. She's actually at least 20kg fatter than me, and in no way is she prettier than me. He likes her because she's "so cool!" but he's not attracted to her in the slightest. That is both comforting to me, and insulting. I know it won't last, because he needs to be attracted to someone for things to progress, so that's a comfort. So is knowing that he'd much rather sleep with me than her. He told me when he was dropping me off on Monday, that he has never wanted me more than he did all weekend, and that the idea of sleeping with her was kinda gross. Still, he's with her. He chose to start a relationship with her, knowing that he would be spending the weekend with me. Why am I always being put second? I don't think I'll ever be important enough to him to come first. And why would he trade in a hippo for an elephant? Hippo's are way cooler! Haha maybe it's the fact that I just referred to myself as a hippo. She doesn't seem insecure enough to think of herself as an elephant. It's kinda childish of me to do so.
Eh. I hate this. I'm so sick of dwelling on what could be. I've got to move on. But I don't waannnaaaaa!
Friday, May 21, 2010
blaaahhhh
I'm back! I've been back for a while but I haven't been in the mood for blogging. I'm still trying to get around and update all my sites and blogs and stuff, but there are so many. I may need to delete some.
Anyway, new layout. It's loverly. Although I can't figure out how to remove the 'sponsers' thing down the bottom without screwing up the whole layout because when it comes to HTML I'm still a spaz. I'll figure it out though.
So lately I've been feeling really alone. Strange, considering I live with five other people. I've barely seen them lately, mostly because I stay up all night and sleep all day just to avoid them. They might be my family, but I don't really like them much. Don't get me wrong, I love them all to pieces, but if they weren't family I wouldn't even know them. They're not really the sort of people I associate myself with. They're rude, self-involved, negative and basically boring. That seems kind of harsh, but it's true.
I miss home. I miss my friends, I miss the beach, I miss the quiet. Loserface is getting distant again. He made a new friend who lives down the road from him. She's funny, she has a job, she drives, she drinks almost as much as he does (which is a helluvah lot, too much for me), and she's basically everything I'm not. I don't know what she looks like but if she's thin I'll probably cry. He refuses to talk to me about here, even if he insists she's a friend. I think he likes her. I hope he doesn't, but I really think he does. I know it's entirely selfish of me to not want him to have a girlfriend so that he and I can still be together, but I don't think I could handle it if there was someone else in his life. He's my best friend. He's really all I've got when it comes to close friends. I have other friends, but none of them really get me. None of them can understand some of the crap that comes out of my mouth. He gets it. He's been around me so long that he finally gets me, and I need that. But if he has a girlfriend then he can't be all that for me anymore. He'd have to pull away from me, because of what we have. I'll lose him. Sad but true.
All of these thoughts are whirling, they won't stop. I shouldn't be thinking about it because it will only depress me, but I can't help it. I can't stop wondering what's going to happen. I'm jealous and terrified and somewhat happy for him all at the same time. Confusing.
Blah. Must end rant. Need smoke.
Anyway, new layout. It's loverly. Although I can't figure out how to remove the 'sponsers' thing down the bottom without screwing up the whole layout because when it comes to HTML I'm still a spaz. I'll figure it out though.
So lately I've been feeling really alone. Strange, considering I live with five other people. I've barely seen them lately, mostly because I stay up all night and sleep all day just to avoid them. They might be my family, but I don't really like them much. Don't get me wrong, I love them all to pieces, but if they weren't family I wouldn't even know them. They're not really the sort of people I associate myself with. They're rude, self-involved, negative and basically boring. That seems kind of harsh, but it's true.
I miss home. I miss my friends, I miss the beach, I miss the quiet. Loserface is getting distant again. He made a new friend who lives down the road from him. She's funny, she has a job, she drives, she drinks almost as much as he does (which is a helluvah lot, too much for me), and she's basically everything I'm not. I don't know what she looks like but if she's thin I'll probably cry. He refuses to talk to me about here, even if he insists she's a friend. I think he likes her. I hope he doesn't, but I really think he does. I know it's entirely selfish of me to not want him to have a girlfriend so that he and I can still be together, but I don't think I could handle it if there was someone else in his life. He's my best friend. He's really all I've got when it comes to close friends. I have other friends, but none of them really get me. None of them can understand some of the crap that comes out of my mouth. He gets it. He's been around me so long that he finally gets me, and I need that. But if he has a girlfriend then he can't be all that for me anymore. He'd have to pull away from me, because of what we have. I'll lose him. Sad but true.
All of these thoughts are whirling, they won't stop. I shouldn't be thinking about it because it will only depress me, but I can't help it. I can't stop wondering what's going to happen. I'm jealous and terrified and somewhat happy for him all at the same time. Confusing.
Blah. Must end rant. Need smoke.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
icicle nerps. srsly.
It's so fucking cold! I hate winter! I know I should love it because being cold burns energy, but still. My toes are going to fall off. I could always put a jumper on or something, but that really doesn't work for me. I want my body to warm itself up naturally. Gosh, I'm an idiot.
The worst part of winter is having to go out into the really fucking freezing every time I want a smoke. I can't wait to live in a house that I can smoke in.
Anyway, holy frick it's been a while! I've been pretty space-cadet lately. I've also been back home for 3 weeks out of four, hence the lack of internerding. I've been staying with Loserface, which has been quite lovely. For the most part. I'm still way too chicken shit to tell him I want to marry him and have his babbehs. Geez, harden the fuck up! I don't think he likes me anymore anyway, so telling him will just make things awkward all over again. Pussy! Shut up and dance.
I got very drunk and made muffins last night. They're calling my name from the fridge, but for the next two days I'm juice fasting so no, Muffins, I will not eat you. I'd feed them to my niece but I put vanilla liqueur into the batter and she's only 3 and I don't know how safe that is. I want to be responsible for getting her drunk her first time, but not this early! 16, maybe, but no sooner. Eh.
Blaaaahhhh. I feel dizzy. And I need another smoke. Gosh, I hate the cold.
The worst part of winter is having to go out into the really fucking freezing every time I want a smoke. I can't wait to live in a house that I can smoke in.
Anyway, holy frick it's been a while! I've been pretty space-cadet lately. I've also been back home for 3 weeks out of four, hence the lack of internerding. I've been staying with Loserface, which has been quite lovely. For the most part. I'm still way too chicken shit to tell him I want to marry him and have his babbehs. Geez, harden the fuck up! I don't think he likes me anymore anyway, so telling him will just make things awkward all over again. Pussy! Shut up and dance.
I got very drunk and made muffins last night. They're calling my name from the fridge, but for the next two days I'm juice fasting so no, Muffins, I will not eat you. I'd feed them to my niece but I put vanilla liqueur into the batter and she's only 3 and I don't know how safe that is. I want to be responsible for getting her drunk her first time, but not this early! 16, maybe, but no sooner. Eh.
Blaaaahhhh. I feel dizzy. And I need another smoke. Gosh, I hate the cold.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Happy!
Just weighed myself and BAM! 82.9kg, which considering I was at 84.5 yesterday, is a pretty big happy.
I feel good. I think I've finally broken my plateau. The fattiness will finally start to disappear again, and I can stop feeling so disgusted with myself.
Happy day :)
I feel good. I think I've finally broken my plateau. The fattiness will finally start to disappear again, and I can stop feeling so disgusted with myself.
Happy day :)
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sometimes honesty gets in the way
I'm so in love with Dead Letter Circus right now. Haven't heard of them? Google that shit!
So I'm feeling good today. Probably because Loserface called me and said he wants me to come visit him this weekend. I was thinking about going down there, but more to see other friends because I didn't think he'd want to hang out with me. Him telling me that gave me a happy. Although I'm pretty sure he just wants sex, but I'll take what I can get.
It's weird, I've been having such a crappy few days, full of binges and family drama and just unhappiness, but hearing from him, having him call me instead of me call him, it's just lifted me right up. I feel like I can do anything right now. That and I am SO motivated to keep losing right now. I'm about to go for a walk after already going for a run today. I just want to get moving, and get rid of this fattiness. I'm on day 2 of the 3 day diet, so I'm doing this and then liquid fasting for 2 days, before I go to the coast on Friday. Hopefully I'll be lookin' fiiiine and he'll NOTICE. He rarely notices anything anyway, but a girl can dream.
So I'm feeling good today. Probably because Loserface called me and said he wants me to come visit him this weekend. I was thinking about going down there, but more to see other friends because I didn't think he'd want to hang out with me. Him telling me that gave me a happy. Although I'm pretty sure he just wants sex, but I'll take what I can get.
It's weird, I've been having such a crappy few days, full of binges and family drama and just unhappiness, but hearing from him, having him call me instead of me call him, it's just lifted me right up. I feel like I can do anything right now. That and I am SO motivated to keep losing right now. I'm about to go for a walk after already going for a run today. I just want to get moving, and get rid of this fattiness. I'm on day 2 of the 3 day diet, so I'm doing this and then liquid fasting for 2 days, before I go to the coast on Friday. Hopefully I'll be lookin' fiiiine and he'll NOTICE. He rarely notices anything anyway, but a girl can dream.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Spectactularly awesome title here.
I really just couldn't be arsed updating this for the last few days. I'd log on, come to the new post page, and not be able to write anything. I feel like I can now, though.
First of all, an update on my little 'episode' last week that I spoke about in my last entry. I figured it out! It wasn't just depression, it was also PMS. I get incredibly emotional during that time, and doubled with my already depressive state my mind was sent into overdrive and kept thinking "hey! I know how to end it all...." So there. I don't think I'm back to major unhappiness, but I am going to have to watch myself every month. I would have thought about it, but Red came four days early so I didn't have a clue.
Another update, this time on that loser best friend of mine. He's talking to me now. I think it's because he doesn't seem to have many friends left back home, especially since I left. He's got a couple of great friends, but they live a couple of hours away so it's hard for him to see them, so I think he's feeling as lonely as I am. Well, maybe not that much. Still, we're talking. He still doesn't want to here about my drama drama, which I can now understand because he's got so much to deal with. He is even coming to see me in 2 weeks! It's my brother-in-law's birthday and they're pretty good friends so he's coming up for that. Not really to see me, but I'll take what I can get. It'll be awesome to see him! Apart from the fact that I'm still a fatty fatty boom-bah. I think I'm gaining some control back with my eating though, so hopefully I'll start losing again. These late-night binges are doing nothing but making me fatter. Well, not really considering I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost either.
Nyeh. I feel good today. I don't know why. I just feel better than usual. It's nice. Maybe it's because yesterday was payday and now I get to go shopping! That always gives me a happy :)
First of all, an update on my little 'episode' last week that I spoke about in my last entry. I figured it out! It wasn't just depression, it was also PMS. I get incredibly emotional during that time, and doubled with my already depressive state my mind was sent into overdrive and kept thinking "hey! I know how to end it all...." So there. I don't think I'm back to major unhappiness, but I am going to have to watch myself every month. I would have thought about it, but Red came four days early so I didn't have a clue.
Another update, this time on that loser best friend of mine. He's talking to me now. I think it's because he doesn't seem to have many friends left back home, especially since I left. He's got a couple of great friends, but they live a couple of hours away so it's hard for him to see them, so I think he's feeling as lonely as I am. Well, maybe not that much. Still, we're talking. He still doesn't want to here about my drama drama, which I can now understand because he's got so much to deal with. He is even coming to see me in 2 weeks! It's my brother-in-law's birthday and they're pretty good friends so he's coming up for that. Not really to see me, but I'll take what I can get. It'll be awesome to see him! Apart from the fact that I'm still a fatty fatty boom-bah. I think I'm gaining some control back with my eating though, so hopefully I'll start losing again. These late-night binges are doing nothing but making me fatter. Well, not really considering I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost either.
Nyeh. I feel good today. I don't know why. I just feel better than usual. It's nice. Maybe it's because yesterday was payday and now I get to go shopping! That always gives me a happy :)
Monday, March 15, 2010
Coping?
Sometimes. Not really. Maybe. The other day I was so miserable I couldn't stop crying. The tiniest things where setting me off. I kept having horrible thoughts as well, thoughts I haven't had for such a long time. I wanted to hurt myself. Not just cutting or scratching, I wanted to go all the way. It's been two years since I last felt like that, and I was in exactly the same place. This house, this family, these same emotions. I knew I should never have come back here.
What makes it worse is my best friend. He doesn't seem to want to know me anymore. He told me the other day not to call him, because he doesn't want to hear from me all the time. Considering we hadn't spoken in almost two weeks, this left me so confused. I love this guy. He's my rock, the one who keeps me sane, but now he just doesn't want to 'deal with my crap' anymore. So what, now that I'm living 300km away he doesn't have to care about me anymore? It makes no sense, and it breaks my heart. Things are really rough at the moment, and he's the only one I can really talk to about it. I don't plan to call him every day with a new dilemma that needs solving, but knowing that I can't even call him up every now and then because it would be so nice and uplifting to talk to him, that's just too hard. But wait! There's more! He doesn't want to visit me, and he doesn't want me to visit him, because he doesn't miss me yet. WHAT?! Here I am, lonely as fuck without him, and he can barely spare me a second thought? It just makes me wonder what I mean to him, to any one of my friends. If he doesn't miss me, the guy that six months ago told me he was in love with me (but didn't want to be with me, mind you), then what about my other friends? I miss all of them so much, but I get the feeling that me leaving hasn't made a difference to anyone.
God, I sound so self-involved. I don't want anyone to draw their lives to a halt and mourn my moving away, but it would be nice knowing for sure that I am missed, and that there will be smiles waiting for me the next time I go home.
Sigh. I think that'll have to do for today's rant. I need to clean the entire house before my mother gets home, because no one else will help. I HATE this place.
What makes it worse is my best friend. He doesn't seem to want to know me anymore. He told me the other day not to call him, because he doesn't want to hear from me all the time. Considering we hadn't spoken in almost two weeks, this left me so confused. I love this guy. He's my rock, the one who keeps me sane, but now he just doesn't want to 'deal with my crap' anymore. So what, now that I'm living 300km away he doesn't have to care about me anymore? It makes no sense, and it breaks my heart. Things are really rough at the moment, and he's the only one I can really talk to about it. I don't plan to call him every day with a new dilemma that needs solving, but knowing that I can't even call him up every now and then because it would be so nice and uplifting to talk to him, that's just too hard. But wait! There's more! He doesn't want to visit me, and he doesn't want me to visit him, because he doesn't miss me yet. WHAT?! Here I am, lonely as fuck without him, and he can barely spare me a second thought? It just makes me wonder what I mean to him, to any one of my friends. If he doesn't miss me, the guy that six months ago told me he was in love with me (but didn't want to be with me, mind you), then what about my other friends? I miss all of them so much, but I get the feeling that me leaving hasn't made a difference to anyone.
God, I sound so self-involved. I don't want anyone to draw their lives to a halt and mourn my moving away, but it would be nice knowing for sure that I am missed, and that there will be smiles waiting for me the next time I go home.
Sigh. I think that'll have to do for today's rant. I need to clean the entire house before my mother gets home, because no one else will help. I HATE this place.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Not a good day
I hate this place. Beyond words. I'm going insane, every day is getting worse. I can't be alone, I can't have peace and quiet, I can't even have my room to myself most days. I love my family, but I can't live with them. It's too hard. They're everywhere.
Sigh. I shouldn't talk like this. It was so good of my mother to let me live here again. After all the drama I put her through two years ago, I know it was a huge decision for her to make, and I'm grateful, but sometimes I wish I'd never asked. She can see me getting worse, feeling lower and lower. At least she doesn't notice the lack of eating. It helps that she's always at work. She's got enough to deal with, I don't want to give her my problems as well.
I feel so sorry for my mother. Since moving up here I've really noticed that no one does a thing to help her. My sisters are so fucking ungrateful for everything Mum does for us. They totally take advantage of her. I feel like I have to pick up the slack for everyone, which is really starting to drain me. I have barely any energy as it is! I've tried talking to them but they come up with the most ridiculous excuses that we just end up fighting and nothing gets resolved.
I'm tired of being the grown up. Someone else needs to step up.
Sigh. I shouldn't talk like this. It was so good of my mother to let me live here again. After all the drama I put her through two years ago, I know it was a huge decision for her to make, and I'm grateful, but sometimes I wish I'd never asked. She can see me getting worse, feeling lower and lower. At least she doesn't notice the lack of eating. It helps that she's always at work. She's got enough to deal with, I don't want to give her my problems as well.
I feel so sorry for my mother. Since moving up here I've really noticed that no one does a thing to help her. My sisters are so fucking ungrateful for everything Mum does for us. They totally take advantage of her. I feel like I have to pick up the slack for everyone, which is really starting to drain me. I have barely any energy as it is! I've tried talking to them but they come up with the most ridiculous excuses that we just end up fighting and nothing gets resolved.
I'm tired of being the grown up. Someone else needs to step up.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Frustration
Still haven't broken my plateau. It's so frustrating because I've been exercising like mad and eating next to nothing, but I'm still the exact same weight. So, drastic times call for drastic measures. I'm doing the Chemical Diet. Those of you on Facebook may also be taking part in the event. It's really low-cal and I'm not going to recommend it to anyone, but I'm giving it a go. I just need a boost. I've been feeling especially awful lately, and if this plan gives me the weight loss it promises, that will perk me right up.
On another note, this job hunting thing is really not going well at all. I've applied everywhere I can think of, but no one seems to want me. That's one of the main reasons I've been so down. Being rejected over and over again really isn't great for the self esteem. Still, gotta keep it up. I need money, and a job is the only way to get it.
On another note, this job hunting thing is really not going well at all. I've applied everywhere I can think of, but no one seems to want me. That's one of the main reasons I've been so down. Being rejected over and over again really isn't great for the self esteem. Still, gotta keep it up. I need money, and a job is the only way to get it.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Blahhhhh
I feel.....strange. I don't know how to describe it. Just strange.
I went to the coast on the weekend and had so much fun. I had no idea how much I had missed all my friends until I saw them. I haven't felt that happy in such a long time. We drank, we danced, we laughed, we had fun. It was exactly what I needed.
The first night down there, of course I went over to 'his' place. He picked me up and we drove out there. As soon as I got out of the car I ran over to give my dog a cuddle. She was so excited to see me! She would stop jumping and wiggling and squirming and trying to push me over. I tried to give her a big cuddle but she was covered in dust and I didn't want to ruin my pants.
Anyway, I turned around and he was standing behind me smiling and said 'where's my cuddle?' So adorable. I hugged him and my knees buckled. It just felt so good to touch him, to hold him. I'm pretty sure I was partially holding him up, too.
So nyeh. I had a wonderful weekend, and it was so sad to see it end, but it had to. I almost stayed down there for a few more days, and I know I could have, but I really need to sort out my life up here and staying down there will not help one bit. So I came back. Now I hate the world again.
I went to the coast on the weekend and had so much fun. I had no idea how much I had missed all my friends until I saw them. I haven't felt that happy in such a long time. We drank, we danced, we laughed, we had fun. It was exactly what I needed.
The first night down there, of course I went over to 'his' place. He picked me up and we drove out there. As soon as I got out of the car I ran over to give my dog a cuddle. She was so excited to see me! She would stop jumping and wiggling and squirming and trying to push me over. I tried to give her a big cuddle but she was covered in dust and I didn't want to ruin my pants.
Anyway, I turned around and he was standing behind me smiling and said 'where's my cuddle?' So adorable. I hugged him and my knees buckled. It just felt so good to touch him, to hold him. I'm pretty sure I was partially holding him up, too.
So nyeh. I had a wonderful weekend, and it was so sad to see it end, but it had to. I almost stayed down there for a few more days, and I know I could have, but I really need to sort out my life up here and staying down there will not help one bit. So I came back. Now I hate the world again.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sigh.
I'm so tired of needing validation from everyone else so that I can feel good about myself. Really, it's just sad and pathetic. I can't be happy with me unless someone tells me I'm great, I'm pretty, I'm smart, wow that was such a clever thing to say, my jeans make my arse look good, I'm not a total waste of life. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I hate myself every second of every day and it just sucks.
Depression is hard. I should be feeling wonderful; I'm going home on the weekend, to the beach, to see my friends, to see the man I'm completely and hopelessly in love with. So why aren't I excited anymore? Probably because as soon as I decided I was going down there I also decided that I needed to be perfect before I leave, which pretty much involves not being me. I can't live up to the expectations I have for myself, which I suppose means perfection is impossible for me. Kinda sad, when you think about it. I'll never be truly happy.
Wow. Bad mood again.
Depression is hard. I should be feeling wonderful; I'm going home on the weekend, to the beach, to see my friends, to see the man I'm completely and hopelessly in love with. So why aren't I excited anymore? Probably because as soon as I decided I was going down there I also decided that I needed to be perfect before I leave, which pretty much involves not being me. I can't live up to the expectations I have for myself, which I suppose means perfection is impossible for me. Kinda sad, when you think about it. I'll never be truly happy.
Wow. Bad mood again.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Day One
Starting very fresh today, with a brand new program. It's called 'Little Red Ruby' program and it's from the University of ED-NOS. Basically it's a vegan program, apart from the whole 'NO MEAT! But fish is okay' thing. I really hate that. Fish are animals too! Anyway, they have a lot of great programs on that site, and even though they're currently inactive we still have access to the programs FOR OUR OWN PERSONAL USE. No stealing.
Yesterday I met up with a friend of mine in the city. She's come down for the weekend, and we hadn't seen each other in a long time so we met up. She is ana. And way skinnier than me. I love her, but damn I'm jealous! She's gorgeous. Anyway, we had lunch. I took some advice from a facebook friend and ate a normal-person-sized meal in order to help break my plateau(will let you know how that goes soon), and in a public place so I couldn't purge. I couldn't eat a lot, because eating in public makes me so nervous and I started freaking out, but she ate so much more than me. I kinda got the feeling she was doing it to make me feel better. Not like pity, but real consideration. We both know what out eating disorders are doing to each other, and we're making sure we both have the right kind of support. I love this girl so much, she's an amazing friend and I really don't know what I'd do without her.
Yesterday I met up with a friend of mine in the city. She's come down for the weekend, and we hadn't seen each other in a long time so we met up. She is ana. And way skinnier than me. I love her, but damn I'm jealous! She's gorgeous. Anyway, we had lunch. I took some advice from a facebook friend and ate a normal-person-sized meal in order to help break my plateau(will let you know how that goes soon), and in a public place so I couldn't purge. I couldn't eat a lot, because eating in public makes me so nervous and I started freaking out, but she ate so much more than me. I kinda got the feeling she was doing it to make me feel better. Not like pity, but real consideration. We both know what out eating disorders are doing to each other, and we're making sure we both have the right kind of support. I love this girl so much, she's an amazing friend and I really don't know what I'd do without her.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Welcome.
Hai! I'm Liviana, and this is my newest attempt at a blog. I suck at these things, so just bear with me.
I feel like things in my life haven't taken a rather dramatic turn. Not only have I just moved away from so many people and things that I love, but I'm now living in a place that I hate and that tends to lead me toward suicidal feelings. The last time I lived here, with my family, I was not happy. So why would I come back? Because I need to. This is where I need to be right now, as much as I hate it. This is the place where I can sort my life out, figure myself how, figure out who I am and why I do the things I do. Such as my ED.
I suffer from ED-NOS. Have done since before I can remember. Memories from before my ED are fuzzy. Happy times that have become so distant in my mind. I sometimes wish I could go back there, but I really need to go forward.
So this blog has been created for me to share my life with you. I hope that some of you may gain some insight from my experiences, or simply be able to relate to me and we can support each other through this torment called life.
I feel like things in my life haven't taken a rather dramatic turn. Not only have I just moved away from so many people and things that I love, but I'm now living in a place that I hate and that tends to lead me toward suicidal feelings. The last time I lived here, with my family, I was not happy. So why would I come back? Because I need to. This is where I need to be right now, as much as I hate it. This is the place where I can sort my life out, figure myself how, figure out who I am and why I do the things I do. Such as my ED.
I suffer from ED-NOS. Have done since before I can remember. Memories from before my ED are fuzzy. Happy times that have become so distant in my mind. I sometimes wish I could go back there, but I really need to go forward.
So this blog has been created for me to share my life with you. I hope that some of you may gain some insight from my experiences, or simply be able to relate to me and we can support each other through this torment called life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
