blaaahhhh

I'm back! I've been back for a while but I haven't been in the mood for blogging. I'm still trying to get around and update all my sites and blogs and stuff, but there are so many. I may need to delete some.

Anyway, new layout. It's loverly. Although I can't figure out how to remove the 'sponsers' thing down the bottom without screwing up the whole layout because when it comes to HTML I'm still a spaz. I'll figure it out though.

So lately I've been feeling really alone. Strange, considering I live with five other people. I've barely seen them lately, mostly because I stay up all night and sleep all day just to avoid them. They might be my family, but I don't really like them much. Don't get me wrong, I love them all to pieces, but if they weren't family I wouldn't even know them. They're not really the sort of people I associate myself with. They're rude, self-involved, negative and basically boring. That seems kind of harsh, but it's true.

I miss home. I miss my friends, I miss the beach, I miss the quiet. Loserface is getting distant again. He made a new friend who lives down the road from him. She's funny, she has a job, she drives, she drinks almost as much as he does (which is a helluvah lot, too much for me), and she's basically everything I'm not. I don't know what she looks like but if she's thin I'll probably cry. He refuses to talk to me about here, even if he insists she's a friend. I think he likes her. I hope he doesn't, but I really think he does. I know it's entirely selfish of me to not want him to have a girlfriend so that he and I can still be together, but I don't think I could handle it if there was someone else in his life. He's my best friend. He's really all I've got when it comes to close friends. I have other friends, but none of them really get me. None of them can understand some of the crap that comes out of my mouth. He gets it. He's been around me so long that he finally gets me, and I need that. But if he has a girlfriend then he can't be all that for me anymore. He'd have to pull away from me, because of what we have. I'll lose him. Sad but true.

All of these thoughts are whirling, they won't stop. I shouldn't be thinking about it because it will only depress me, but I can't help it. I can't stop wondering what's going to happen. I'm jealous and terrified and somewhat happy for him all at the same time. Confusing.

Blah. Must end rant. Need smoke.

icicle nerps. srsly.

It's so fucking cold! I hate winter! I know I should love it because being cold burns energy, but still. My toes are going to fall off. I could always put a jumper on or something, but that really doesn't work for me. I want my body to warm itself up naturally. Gosh, I'm an idiot.

The worst part of winter is having to go out into the really fucking freezing every time I want a smoke. I can't wait to live in a house that I can smoke in.

Anyway, holy frick it's been a while! I've been pretty space-cadet lately. I've also been back home for 3 weeks out of four, hence the lack of internerding. I've been staying with Loserface, which has been quite lovely. For the most part. I'm still way too chicken shit to tell him I want to marry him and have his babbehs. Geez, harden the fuck up! I don't think he likes me anymore anyway, so telling him will just make things awkward all over again. Pussy! Shut up and dance.

I got very drunk and made muffins last night. They're calling my name from the fridge, but for the next two days I'm juice fasting so no, Muffins, I will not eat you. I'd feed them to my niece but I put vanilla liqueur into the batter and she's only 3 and I don't know how safe that is. I want to be responsible for getting her drunk her first time, but not this early! 16, maybe, but no sooner. Eh.

Blaaaahhhh. I feel dizzy. And I need another smoke. Gosh, I hate the cold.