I don't believe it. I found my diary. It was in my caravan at home, at mum and dad's place. I don't even remember taking it down there. I was packing my things on monday, ready to come back to the city, and I found it sitting under a box of stuff. I couldn't believe it. The relief that I felt when I opened it up and saw all of my thinspo pictures and stuff, it was an indescribable feeling. I'm going to take much, much better care of it from now on.
Another win, I've found someone new. He's sweet and funny, has lots of piercings and tattoos, and he makes me feel so sexy when I'm around him. I'm yet to come up with a code name for him, so bear with me. More on that later. My tummy hurts. Fucking cramps. Being a woman really, really sucks. Blaaahhhh.
Good mood for the first time in a while. Wow. Feels wonderful.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Woah.
It's been quite a while. I tend to get so caught up in what's going around me that I lose track of everything. My memory sucks. I'm going to start trying to blog more often, otherwise I'll keep on forgetting everything.
Last time we spoke, I was freaking because my diary went missing. I never did find it. No one ever acted any different around me either. I don't know what happened to it, but I do have an idea. I think my friend might have taken it. She's very much into dieting and calorie counting, and is constantly calling herself fat. I don't think she's entirely eating disordered, but she's pretty close. She's the only other person who had been in my room around that time, so there's a chance it was her. Why she hasn't brought it up is beyond me. I wish she would. I just want to know.
Apart from that, so much has happened. I've been seeing a few different guys here and there. Nothing serious, just a bit of fun. Until mid-November when I somehow (I still can't work out how it happened) I got myself a boyfriend. We shall call him "Ape". I was never really into him, but he was sweet and kind so I let him stick around. Also he was a virgin, so at first there was never any pressure for sex. I'm ashamed to say I did cheat on him, with the guy I'd been seeing before him. "Wanker".
Wanker was so lovely. We fell for each other instantly, but he had so much baggage that he really wasn't interested in anything more serious than hanging out all the time and having lots of drunken sex. Then one day he decided he couldn't really see me much anymore, due to the fact that his ex had given birth to his son, so we lost contact fora while. Right around the time we started talking again, Ape and I started getting serious. Wanker was crushed, but there wasn't much I could do about it. I've barely spoken two words to him since then. He still texts me on the odd occasion, with little inside jokes and things, but other than that I have not seen him.
Ape and I broke up four days ago. I'd been planning to end things with him for a while, but my bravery was failing me. Sunday morning, after a long night of drinking and smoking with friends, I went to bed. Ape was already there. He asked me if I wanted to "have some fun", because he was horny, and being far too stoned and tired I said no and went to sleep. A few hours later, I woke up to him on top of me. I lost it completely. I was hysterical. I told him to get the fuck out and that I never wanted to see him again. That was that.
I can't sleep anymore. I'm terrified of what might happen when I wake up, so sleeping is not an option. I've been running on power naps and energy drinks for the last four days. And when my dear friend "Asia" tried to hug me yesterday, I had an anxiety attack and really freaked him out. I can't be near males anymore. I hate this feeling.
I also hate this story.
Good things have happened in the last few months as well. I had a job, although I quit because my manager was a douche. I moved out of home, and am now living in a flat with a girlfriend of mine. No more family to worry about. Plus she's never home, so I don't really have to worry about her either. I can do what I want, eat what and when ever I want. It's excellent. In that sense, I'm happy. I'll get over the sleeping/frightened of males thing. It'll take a little time. I'm going home for the weekend, so visit the only male I can be around. I miss Loserface so much. I haven't seen my best friend since New Years. He's my rock, and I really need him right now.
Pity his girlfriend is an insanely jealous freak and will never let us be in the same room without her there to watch us. haha. Girls are ridiculous.
That's all for now. I'm going for a run.
Last time we spoke, I was freaking because my diary went missing. I never did find it. No one ever acted any different around me either. I don't know what happened to it, but I do have an idea. I think my friend might have taken it. She's very much into dieting and calorie counting, and is constantly calling herself fat. I don't think she's entirely eating disordered, but she's pretty close. She's the only other person who had been in my room around that time, so there's a chance it was her. Why she hasn't brought it up is beyond me. I wish she would. I just want to know.
Apart from that, so much has happened. I've been seeing a few different guys here and there. Nothing serious, just a bit of fun. Until mid-November when I somehow (I still can't work out how it happened) I got myself a boyfriend. We shall call him "Ape". I was never really into him, but he was sweet and kind so I let him stick around. Also he was a virgin, so at first there was never any pressure for sex. I'm ashamed to say I did cheat on him, with the guy I'd been seeing before him. "Wanker".
Wanker was so lovely. We fell for each other instantly, but he had so much baggage that he really wasn't interested in anything more serious than hanging out all the time and having lots of drunken sex. Then one day he decided he couldn't really see me much anymore, due to the fact that his ex had given birth to his son, so we lost contact fora while. Right around the time we started talking again, Ape and I started getting serious. Wanker was crushed, but there wasn't much I could do about it. I've barely spoken two words to him since then. He still texts me on the odd occasion, with little inside jokes and things, but other than that I have not seen him.
Ape and I broke up four days ago. I'd been planning to end things with him for a while, but my bravery was failing me. Sunday morning, after a long night of drinking and smoking with friends, I went to bed. Ape was already there. He asked me if I wanted to "have some fun", because he was horny, and being far too stoned and tired I said no and went to sleep. A few hours later, I woke up to him on top of me. I lost it completely. I was hysterical. I told him to get the fuck out and that I never wanted to see him again. That was that.
I can't sleep anymore. I'm terrified of what might happen when I wake up, so sleeping is not an option. I've been running on power naps and energy drinks for the last four days. And when my dear friend "Asia" tried to hug me yesterday, I had an anxiety attack and really freaked him out. I can't be near males anymore. I hate this feeling.
I also hate this story.
Good things have happened in the last few months as well. I had a job, although I quit because my manager was a douche. I moved out of home, and am now living in a flat with a girlfriend of mine. No more family to worry about. Plus she's never home, so I don't really have to worry about her either. I can do what I want, eat what and when ever I want. It's excellent. In that sense, I'm happy. I'll get over the sleeping/frightened of males thing. It'll take a little time. I'm going home for the weekend, so visit the only male I can be around. I miss Loserface so much. I haven't seen my best friend since New Years. He's my rock, and I really need him right now.
Pity his girlfriend is an insanely jealous freak and will never let us be in the same room without her there to watch us. haha. Girls are ridiculous.
That's all for now. I'm going for a run.
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