Just weighed myself and BAM! 82.9kg, which considering I was at 84.5 yesterday, is a pretty big happy.
I feel good. I think I've finally broken my plateau. The fattiness will finally start to disappear again, and I can stop feeling so disgusted with myself.
Happy day :)
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sometimes honesty gets in the way
I'm so in love with Dead Letter Circus right now. Haven't heard of them? Google that shit!
So I'm feeling good today. Probably because Loserface called me and said he wants me to come visit him this weekend. I was thinking about going down there, but more to see other friends because I didn't think he'd want to hang out with me. Him telling me that gave me a happy. Although I'm pretty sure he just wants sex, but I'll take what I can get.
It's weird, I've been having such a crappy few days, full of binges and family drama and just unhappiness, but hearing from him, having him call me instead of me call him, it's just lifted me right up. I feel like I can do anything right now. That and I am SO motivated to keep losing right now. I'm about to go for a walk after already going for a run today. I just want to get moving, and get rid of this fattiness. I'm on day 2 of the 3 day diet, so I'm doing this and then liquid fasting for 2 days, before I go to the coast on Friday. Hopefully I'll be lookin' fiiiine and he'll NOTICE. He rarely notices anything anyway, but a girl can dream.
So I'm feeling good today. Probably because Loserface called me and said he wants me to come visit him this weekend. I was thinking about going down there, but more to see other friends because I didn't think he'd want to hang out with me. Him telling me that gave me a happy. Although I'm pretty sure he just wants sex, but I'll take what I can get.
It's weird, I've been having such a crappy few days, full of binges and family drama and just unhappiness, but hearing from him, having him call me instead of me call him, it's just lifted me right up. I feel like I can do anything right now. That and I am SO motivated to keep losing right now. I'm about to go for a walk after already going for a run today. I just want to get moving, and get rid of this fattiness. I'm on day 2 of the 3 day diet, so I'm doing this and then liquid fasting for 2 days, before I go to the coast on Friday. Hopefully I'll be lookin' fiiiine and he'll NOTICE. He rarely notices anything anyway, but a girl can dream.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Spectactularly awesome title here.
I really just couldn't be arsed updating this for the last few days. I'd log on, come to the new post page, and not be able to write anything. I feel like I can now, though.
First of all, an update on my little 'episode' last week that I spoke about in my last entry. I figured it out! It wasn't just depression, it was also PMS. I get incredibly emotional during that time, and doubled with my already depressive state my mind was sent into overdrive and kept thinking "hey! I know how to end it all...." So there. I don't think I'm back to major unhappiness, but I am going to have to watch myself every month. I would have thought about it, but Red came four days early so I didn't have a clue.
Another update, this time on that loser best friend of mine. He's talking to me now. I think it's because he doesn't seem to have many friends left back home, especially since I left. He's got a couple of great friends, but they live a couple of hours away so it's hard for him to see them, so I think he's feeling as lonely as I am. Well, maybe not that much. Still, we're talking. He still doesn't want to here about my drama drama, which I can now understand because he's got so much to deal with. He is even coming to see me in 2 weeks! It's my brother-in-law's birthday and they're pretty good friends so he's coming up for that. Not really to see me, but I'll take what I can get. It'll be awesome to see him! Apart from the fact that I'm still a fatty fatty boom-bah. I think I'm gaining some control back with my eating though, so hopefully I'll start losing again. These late-night binges are doing nothing but making me fatter. Well, not really considering I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost either.
Nyeh. I feel good today. I don't know why. I just feel better than usual. It's nice. Maybe it's because yesterday was payday and now I get to go shopping! That always gives me a happy :)
First of all, an update on my little 'episode' last week that I spoke about in my last entry. I figured it out! It wasn't just depression, it was also PMS. I get incredibly emotional during that time, and doubled with my already depressive state my mind was sent into overdrive and kept thinking "hey! I know how to end it all...." So there. I don't think I'm back to major unhappiness, but I am going to have to watch myself every month. I would have thought about it, but Red came four days early so I didn't have a clue.
Another update, this time on that loser best friend of mine. He's talking to me now. I think it's because he doesn't seem to have many friends left back home, especially since I left. He's got a couple of great friends, but they live a couple of hours away so it's hard for him to see them, so I think he's feeling as lonely as I am. Well, maybe not that much. Still, we're talking. He still doesn't want to here about my drama drama, which I can now understand because he's got so much to deal with. He is even coming to see me in 2 weeks! It's my brother-in-law's birthday and they're pretty good friends so he's coming up for that. Not really to see me, but I'll take what I can get. It'll be awesome to see him! Apart from the fact that I'm still a fatty fatty boom-bah. I think I'm gaining some control back with my eating though, so hopefully I'll start losing again. These late-night binges are doing nothing but making me fatter. Well, not really considering I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost either.
Nyeh. I feel good today. I don't know why. I just feel better than usual. It's nice. Maybe it's because yesterday was payday and now I get to go shopping! That always gives me a happy :)
Monday, March 15, 2010
Coping?
Sometimes. Not really. Maybe. The other day I was so miserable I couldn't stop crying. The tiniest things where setting me off. I kept having horrible thoughts as well, thoughts I haven't had for such a long time. I wanted to hurt myself. Not just cutting or scratching, I wanted to go all the way. It's been two years since I last felt like that, and I was in exactly the same place. This house, this family, these same emotions. I knew I should never have come back here.
What makes it worse is my best friend. He doesn't seem to want to know me anymore. He told me the other day not to call him, because he doesn't want to hear from me all the time. Considering we hadn't spoken in almost two weeks, this left me so confused. I love this guy. He's my rock, the one who keeps me sane, but now he just doesn't want to 'deal with my crap' anymore. So what, now that I'm living 300km away he doesn't have to care about me anymore? It makes no sense, and it breaks my heart. Things are really rough at the moment, and he's the only one I can really talk to about it. I don't plan to call him every day with a new dilemma that needs solving, but knowing that I can't even call him up every now and then because it would be so nice and uplifting to talk to him, that's just too hard. But wait! There's more! He doesn't want to visit me, and he doesn't want me to visit him, because he doesn't miss me yet. WHAT?! Here I am, lonely as fuck without him, and he can barely spare me a second thought? It just makes me wonder what I mean to him, to any one of my friends. If he doesn't miss me, the guy that six months ago told me he was in love with me (but didn't want to be with me, mind you), then what about my other friends? I miss all of them so much, but I get the feeling that me leaving hasn't made a difference to anyone.
God, I sound so self-involved. I don't want anyone to draw their lives to a halt and mourn my moving away, but it would be nice knowing for sure that I am missed, and that there will be smiles waiting for me the next time I go home.
Sigh. I think that'll have to do for today's rant. I need to clean the entire house before my mother gets home, because no one else will help. I HATE this place.
What makes it worse is my best friend. He doesn't seem to want to know me anymore. He told me the other day not to call him, because he doesn't want to hear from me all the time. Considering we hadn't spoken in almost two weeks, this left me so confused. I love this guy. He's my rock, the one who keeps me sane, but now he just doesn't want to 'deal with my crap' anymore. So what, now that I'm living 300km away he doesn't have to care about me anymore? It makes no sense, and it breaks my heart. Things are really rough at the moment, and he's the only one I can really talk to about it. I don't plan to call him every day with a new dilemma that needs solving, but knowing that I can't even call him up every now and then because it would be so nice and uplifting to talk to him, that's just too hard. But wait! There's more! He doesn't want to visit me, and he doesn't want me to visit him, because he doesn't miss me yet. WHAT?! Here I am, lonely as fuck without him, and he can barely spare me a second thought? It just makes me wonder what I mean to him, to any one of my friends. If he doesn't miss me, the guy that six months ago told me he was in love with me (but didn't want to be with me, mind you), then what about my other friends? I miss all of them so much, but I get the feeling that me leaving hasn't made a difference to anyone.
God, I sound so self-involved. I don't want anyone to draw their lives to a halt and mourn my moving away, but it would be nice knowing for sure that I am missed, and that there will be smiles waiting for me the next time I go home.
Sigh. I think that'll have to do for today's rant. I need to clean the entire house before my mother gets home, because no one else will help. I HATE this place.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Not a good day
I hate this place. Beyond words. I'm going insane, every day is getting worse. I can't be alone, I can't have peace and quiet, I can't even have my room to myself most days. I love my family, but I can't live with them. It's too hard. They're everywhere.
Sigh. I shouldn't talk like this. It was so good of my mother to let me live here again. After all the drama I put her through two years ago, I know it was a huge decision for her to make, and I'm grateful, but sometimes I wish I'd never asked. She can see me getting worse, feeling lower and lower. At least she doesn't notice the lack of eating. It helps that she's always at work. She's got enough to deal with, I don't want to give her my problems as well.
I feel so sorry for my mother. Since moving up here I've really noticed that no one does a thing to help her. My sisters are so fucking ungrateful for everything Mum does for us. They totally take advantage of her. I feel like I have to pick up the slack for everyone, which is really starting to drain me. I have barely any energy as it is! I've tried talking to them but they come up with the most ridiculous excuses that we just end up fighting and nothing gets resolved.
I'm tired of being the grown up. Someone else needs to step up.
Sigh. I shouldn't talk like this. It was so good of my mother to let me live here again. After all the drama I put her through two years ago, I know it was a huge decision for her to make, and I'm grateful, but sometimes I wish I'd never asked. She can see me getting worse, feeling lower and lower. At least she doesn't notice the lack of eating. It helps that she's always at work. She's got enough to deal with, I don't want to give her my problems as well.
I feel so sorry for my mother. Since moving up here I've really noticed that no one does a thing to help her. My sisters are so fucking ungrateful for everything Mum does for us. They totally take advantage of her. I feel like I have to pick up the slack for everyone, which is really starting to drain me. I have barely any energy as it is! I've tried talking to them but they come up with the most ridiculous excuses that we just end up fighting and nothing gets resolved.
I'm tired of being the grown up. Someone else needs to step up.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Frustration
Still haven't broken my plateau. It's so frustrating because I've been exercising like mad and eating next to nothing, but I'm still the exact same weight. So, drastic times call for drastic measures. I'm doing the Chemical Diet. Those of you on Facebook may also be taking part in the event. It's really low-cal and I'm not going to recommend it to anyone, but I'm giving it a go. I just need a boost. I've been feeling especially awful lately, and if this plan gives me the weight loss it promises, that will perk me right up.
On another note, this job hunting thing is really not going well at all. I've applied everywhere I can think of, but no one seems to want me. That's one of the main reasons I've been so down. Being rejected over and over again really isn't great for the self esteem. Still, gotta keep it up. I need money, and a job is the only way to get it.
On another note, this job hunting thing is really not going well at all. I've applied everywhere I can think of, but no one seems to want me. That's one of the main reasons I've been so down. Being rejected over and over again really isn't great for the self esteem. Still, gotta keep it up. I need money, and a job is the only way to get it.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Blahhhhh
I feel.....strange. I don't know how to describe it. Just strange.
I went to the coast on the weekend and had so much fun. I had no idea how much I had missed all my friends until I saw them. I haven't felt that happy in such a long time. We drank, we danced, we laughed, we had fun. It was exactly what I needed.
The first night down there, of course I went over to 'his' place. He picked me up and we drove out there. As soon as I got out of the car I ran over to give my dog a cuddle. She was so excited to see me! She would stop jumping and wiggling and squirming and trying to push me over. I tried to give her a big cuddle but she was covered in dust and I didn't want to ruin my pants.
Anyway, I turned around and he was standing behind me smiling and said 'where's my cuddle?' So adorable. I hugged him and my knees buckled. It just felt so good to touch him, to hold him. I'm pretty sure I was partially holding him up, too.
So nyeh. I had a wonderful weekend, and it was so sad to see it end, but it had to. I almost stayed down there for a few more days, and I know I could have, but I really need to sort out my life up here and staying down there will not help one bit. So I came back. Now I hate the world again.
I went to the coast on the weekend and had so much fun. I had no idea how much I had missed all my friends until I saw them. I haven't felt that happy in such a long time. We drank, we danced, we laughed, we had fun. It was exactly what I needed.
The first night down there, of course I went over to 'his' place. He picked me up and we drove out there. As soon as I got out of the car I ran over to give my dog a cuddle. She was so excited to see me! She would stop jumping and wiggling and squirming and trying to push me over. I tried to give her a big cuddle but she was covered in dust and I didn't want to ruin my pants.
Anyway, I turned around and he was standing behind me smiling and said 'where's my cuddle?' So adorable. I hugged him and my knees buckled. It just felt so good to touch him, to hold him. I'm pretty sure I was partially holding him up, too.
So nyeh. I had a wonderful weekend, and it was so sad to see it end, but it had to. I almost stayed down there for a few more days, and I know I could have, but I really need to sort out my life up here and staying down there will not help one bit. So I came back. Now I hate the world again.
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