It's been quite a while, again. Things have just been so chaotic for me lately, I've had trouble dealing. Here's what's been happening.
(I wrote this a couple of weeks ago, and I'm too lazy to change anything. Nothing's changed since then anyway.)
Two-ish months ago, I started seeing my ex girlfriend again, Immi. She lived four hours away from me, which made it hard, but we were used to not seeing each other often so somehow me managed to make the long-distance thing work. For a while.
As I'm not very good at relationships, we decided it would be a semi-open one, meaning we could each hook up with other guys if we wanted, but no girls. We both found it fair. She was still sleeping with random (and hot!) guys, and I was still sleeping with my ex, Loserface (crappy nickname, but he loves it), the guy I've loved for seven fucking long years.
About 3 weeks after she and I got together I was going back home to spend the weekend with Loserface. I went down on Friday and we had planned for him to pick me up from my place after he got off work and we'd go back to his from there. He finished work, and on the way he nearly fell asleep while driving so he decided to turn around and head home, decided he'd pick me up the next day. I was fine with that. I didn't want him to crash and die, of course.
The next morning he called me and said "we have to talk, and you're not going to like it." Turned out he went out to his local pub that night, kissed a girl, and that they were "officially seeing each other". I think my brain exploded while I tried to understand that. I still spent the weekend with him, though the tension was pretty much unbearable. He went over to her place on Sunday night for a few hours and came back with hickeys all over his neck. I wanted to scream at him until his ears bled, but I refrained. I remained nonchalant about the whole thing, even if my heart was breaking all over again.
A week after that I was back in the city, slowly coming to terms with things, when I got a call from Immi's brother who told me she had tried to kill herself. Heartbreak all over again. I was furious with her, and we didn't speak for four long weeks. I missed her like crazy, but I couldn't talk to her without being angry. So I didn't. I still checked up on her, through her brother.
After the four weeks of not talking I was back down the coast, this time visiting other friends. The few days before I went down there my sister and I had been talking shit, saying that I should show up looking gorgeous and tease the hell out of Loserface and make him realize just what he was missing out on. I didn't want to be with him at all, I just wanted to make him regret what happened with us.
So that was the plan, until I actually saw him. We were at our friend's place, having a few drinks and just hanging out, and he came and brought his new girlfriend. As soon as I saw him, I didn't want to go through with it. I found myself really not caring about the whole situation anymore, and I was so relieved. It made me realize that I was not, in fact, in love with him anymore. After seven years of heartbreak, it was the best feeling in the world.
Until later that night, Immi's brother called. She did it. She died that night. I was broken. I called out to Loserface, but he just assumed I was being a drama queen and ignored me. It was his brother who helped me back up. He looked after me, listened while I cried and screamed and hated the world. But I didn't want to ruin the night for everyone else, so I asked him not to tell anyone and went back to pretending everything was fine.
For the next few weeks I was grieving, miserable and lonely. I stayed on the coast, not really ready to be back in the city. After the shock of her death wore off I found myself feeling almost relieved again. Not that she was gone from my life, but knowing that this was what she wanted and that she could finally find some peace. I took comfort in that thought. I knew I was going to be okay.
And I am. A week and a half ago I woke with a smile. It felt strange. Surreal. I still miss her, I will always love her, but she was the one who taught me not to dwell in the past. So out of respect for her, I've moved on.
I've met someone new. It's really sudden, and I still sort of feel like I'm not ready, but I'm taking this chance anyway because I know that if I don't I'll regret it. He's very sweet, kind, funny, generous and he likes that I'm a total scatterbrain. That used to drive Loserface insane, so it's nice to find someone who appreciates me as I am. We're taking things very slowly, which he's entirely cool about. It's so strange though. I swore I was going to try to be by myself for a while, get used to being just me again, but then he comes along with all his charm and I don't want to say no. It's confusing as hell, but the good kind.
So that's me for the last two months. It's all beyond fucked up, but I'm really okay again. Things are slowly beginning to make sense. Strange.
So yeah. That's it. Pretty fucked. Sleep now.
