Sigh.

I'm so tired of needing validation from everyone else so that I can feel good about myself. Really, it's just sad and pathetic. I can't be happy with me unless someone tells me I'm great, I'm pretty, I'm smart, wow that was such a clever thing to say, my jeans make my arse look good, I'm not a total waste of life. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I hate myself every second of every day and it just sucks.

Depression is hard. I should be feeling wonderful; I'm going home on the weekend, to the beach, to see my friends, to see the man I'm completely and hopelessly in love with. So why aren't I excited anymore? Probably because as soon as I decided I was going down there I also decided that I needed to be perfect before I leave, which pretty much involves not being me. I can't live up to the expectations I have for myself, which I suppose means perfection is impossible for me. Kinda sad, when you think about it. I'll never be truly happy.

Wow. Bad mood again.

Day One

Starting very fresh today, with a brand new program. It's called 'Little Red Ruby' program and it's from the University of ED-NOS. Basically it's a vegan program, apart from the whole 'NO MEAT! But fish is okay' thing. I really hate that. Fish are animals too! Anyway, they have a lot of great programs on that site, and even though they're currently inactive we still have access to the programs FOR OUR OWN PERSONAL USE. No stealing.

Yesterday I met up with a friend of mine in the city. She's come down for the weekend, and we hadn't seen each other in a long time so we met up. She is ana. And way skinnier than me. I love her, but damn I'm jealous! She's gorgeous. Anyway, we had lunch. I took some advice from a facebook friend and ate a normal-person-sized meal in order to help break my plateau(will let you know how that goes soon), and in a public place so I couldn't purge. I couldn't eat a lot, because eating in public makes me so nervous and I started freaking out, but she ate so much more than me. I kinda got the feeling she was doing it to make me feel better. Not like pity, but real consideration. We both know what out eating disorders are doing to each other, and we're making sure we both have the right kind of support. I love this girl so much, she's an amazing friend and I really don't know what I'd do without her.

Welcome.

Hai! I'm Liviana, and this is my newest attempt at a blog. I suck at these things, so just bear with me.

I feel like things in my life haven't taken a rather dramatic turn. Not only have I just moved away from so many people and things that I love, but I'm now living in a place that I hate and that tends to lead me toward suicidal feelings. The last time I lived here, with my family, I was not happy. So why would I come back? Because I need to. This is where I need to be right now, as much as I hate it. This is the place where I can sort my life out, figure myself how, figure out who I am and why I do the things I do. Such as my ED.

I suffer from ED-NOS. Have done since before I can remember. Memories from before my ED are fuzzy. Happy times that have become so distant in my mind. I sometimes wish I could go back there, but I really need to go forward.

So this blog has been created for me to share my life with you. I hope that some of you may gain some insight from my experiences, or simply be able to relate to me and we can support each other through this torment called life.