ehhhhh

Things kinda suck. I'm still lonely, bored, miserable and I hate myself. I've lost pretty much all of my motivation for anything. Still, no job, still no friends, still fat, still crap. Bleh.

Went home for the weekend, to stay with Loserface. On Friday mum and I left early, so I was at home home during the day, Loserface was to come and pick me up after he finished work. He was one his way that evening, but called me when he was half way there and decided he was turning around, not coming to get me. Why? He was tired, and though he might fall asleep if he had to drive further. I didn't really understand his logic, but I didn't want to push him. This would be the first time we'd seen each other in a month and I didn't want to start that on an argument. So he went home, had a nap, and went out to the pub. His new friend (see last entry) was there. They hung out all night, and kissed. Ok, I can deal with that. The next morning, however, he had to go and pick up his car from town and he met up with her there to discuss what had happened. The kissed again, and decided that it was relationship time! They're together. In my opinion, a couple of kisses does not a relationship make, but what ever.

I still went over to his place for the weekend. I couldn't get the 'sexual healing' I needed from him, hell I could even cuddle him, but I still needed to be around him. Boy it was hard. We'd spent all of last week telling each other the dirty things we were going to do to each other when I finally got there, so both our 'engines' were revving like crazy, and instead we barely even looked at each other. I wanted him, he wanted me, but neither of us was willing to make the first move. Neither of us wanted him to be a cheater. Again.

I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing. No, she's not thin. She's actually at least 20kg fatter than me, and in no way is she prettier than me. He likes her because she's "so cool!" but he's not attracted to her in the slightest. That is both comforting to me, and insulting. I know it won't last, because he needs to be attracted to someone for things to progress, so that's a comfort. So is knowing that he'd much rather sleep with me than her. He told me when he was dropping me off on Monday, that he has never wanted me more than he did all weekend, and that the idea of sleeping with her was kinda gross. Still, he's with her. He chose to start a relationship with her, knowing that he would be spending the weekend with me. Why am I always being put second? I don't think I'll ever be important enough to him to come first. And why would he trade in a hippo for an elephant? Hippo's are way cooler! Haha maybe it's the fact that I just referred to myself as a hippo. She doesn't seem insecure enough to think of herself as an elephant. It's kinda childish of me to do so.

Eh. I hate this. I'm so sick of dwelling on what could be. I've got to move on. But I don't waannnaaaaa!