Coping?

Sometimes. Not really. Maybe. The other day I was so miserable I couldn't stop crying. The tiniest things where setting me off. I kept having horrible thoughts as well, thoughts I haven't had for such a long time. I wanted to hurt myself. Not just cutting or scratching, I wanted to go all the way. It's been two years since I last felt like that, and I was in exactly the same place. This house, this family, these same emotions. I knew I should never have come back here.

What makes it worse is my best friend. He doesn't seem to want to know me anymore. He told me the other day not to call him, because he doesn't want to hear from me all the time. Considering we hadn't spoken in almost two weeks, this left me so confused. I love this guy. He's my rock, the one who keeps me sane, but now he just doesn't want to 'deal with my crap' anymore. So what, now that I'm living 300km away he doesn't have to care about me anymore? It makes no sense, and it breaks my heart. Things are really rough at the moment, and he's the only one I can really talk to about it. I don't plan to call him every day with a new dilemma that needs solving, but knowing that I can't even call him up every now and then because it would be so nice and uplifting to talk to him, that's just too hard. But wait! There's more! He doesn't want to visit me, and he doesn't want me to visit him, because he doesn't miss me yet. WHAT?! Here I am, lonely as fuck without him, and he can barely spare me a second thought? It just makes me wonder what I mean to him, to any one of my friends. If he doesn't miss me, the guy that six months ago told me he was in love with me (but didn't want to be with me, mind you), then what about my other friends? I miss all of them so much, but I get the feeling that me leaving hasn't made a difference to anyone.

God, I sound so self-involved. I don't want anyone to draw their lives to a halt and mourn my moving away, but it would be nice knowing for sure that I am missed, and that there will be smiles waiting for me the next time I go home.

Sigh. I think that'll have to do for today's rant. I need to clean the entire house before my mother gets home, because no one else will help. I HATE this place.